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Dear Neighbors,

If you buy a designer dog, please set an intetion to take proper care of him.  Please do not leave him, along with your other puppy-mill puppy, outside in 90-degree heat for 20 hours of the day.  This is now the THIRD time that I have had to rescue your dog after he dug his way free from your negligence.  The poor thing is clearly happier on this side of the fence.

That said, he is your responsibility.  I am now going on my ninth hour with him.  As soon as I woke up this morning I heard him barking and taped a note on your front door to let you know that he would be with me.  I didnt do this for you.  I did this for myself.  So that I wouldn’t have to be responsible if he wandered out in the street and got run over.  He has peed on one of Little One’s playsilks and pooped on my floor and chewed the face off of one of Little One’s teddy bears.  I am okay with this, but it’s getting old.

If you are not home within 30 minutes, I will be figuring out some way to get him back on your side of the fence.  Short of just dropping him over, which would probably break his little legs and which I would obviously never do, I have no idea how to accomplish this.  But I will.  I will put a brick in the hole under the gate where he dug his way out today and then I will go and enjoy my pizza.

If I were the collecting type, I would say you owe me.  I’m not so you don’t.  But you do owe him.  He’s cute and has a wonky eye and is very, very itchy.  I’m sure he would appreciate a little more comfort.

Sincerely,

Bikini Yogini

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